My Panic Attacks

I don’t know if you’ve seen Ted Lasso. But the scene where he has a panic attack in the karaoke bar was like an out of body experience for me. It hit me so hard. He was me. I have felt exactly what he was feeling, and done exactly what he did. Anyway, here’s my description of how a very similar situation unfolded for me.

I’m sitting in a trendy cafe with my wife and baby. There’s a living wall opposite me. The busy sounds of an espresso machine in full flow and the clink of cutlery on plates around me. It’s the weekend and we don’t have any plans or anything we need to do. Just enjoy ourselves and spend some time as a family.

Then it starts. It hits me out of nowhere. My chest is getting tighter and tighter. I have an uncomfortable, prickly sensation all over my skin. My eyes are darting around the place taking it all in but unable to process anything. My fight or flight reflex starts kicking in. But there’s nothing to fight. So I have to run. I need to get outside or away from something, but I’m not sure what that something is.

I mumble something to my wife which is probably unintelligible and head for the door. She’s not sure what’s going on. Do I want the coffee I’ve ordered or not? But I get outside and I command myself to take a big deep breath. At first it isn’t helping. I’m properly freaking out now. I keep walking. The sense of being on the move and being outside seem to connect somewhere deep in my brain. Like some pre-programmed software. I don’t know why but I head for where there are trees. My breath starts to feel like it’s making a difference to my chest now. The prickly sensation is starting to fade and I stop by the trees and look up at the sky.

I would describe it as being like really bad claustrophobia. I'm trapped. Like everything around me is exerting some kind of unseen force on me. A force that when I’m not anxious or depressed I don’t feel. I hate enclosed spaces and being underground too. Maybe it's because it reminds me of this feeling so much.

That’s what a panic/anxiety attack feels like for me. It’s scary. I don’t know how many I’ve had, more than enough to not know anymore. The ‘smallest’ ones I’ve had I feel coming and deal with them before they escalate. The ‘biggest’ ones feel like I’m about to die at their worst, like I’ll never stop feeling trapped.

I love looking at the stars. I think this is why. Even on days when I’m feeling great I don’t think there’s a better way to unwind. I get outside and look up. I love even more to do it with my kids. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to teach them a coping mechanism if they are wired like me. But selfishly, I love wrapping them up in a blanket, lying on a bean bag and looking at the stars. I don’t think I’m ever more relaxed or at peace than when I do that.

I don’t know how to stop these attacks from happening. I guess it’s linked to managing my anxiety and depression. So I don’t have an answer for myself or anyone else on what to do. I know what helps me to try to survive them. I could definitely do a better job of how I treat myself afterwards. I’ve gone straight to work after them more than once. I was exhausted and shaken. But instead of allowing myself time to recover I try to get myself out of fight or flight mode and then try to carry on. It’s definitely not a great way to process or deal with it.

If you have ever experienced something like this I recommend talking to someone about it. You could start with someone you trust if you're worried about a counsellor or therapist. I've done both and it's a great way to start getting to grips with things.