My Self-Talk
My self-talk has always been pretty harsh. As long as I can remember anyway. But up until quite recently, I’d never thought about whether that was normal. Or how other people might talk to themselves. I always assumed everyone else was like me. That they spend their days remonstrating with themselves. I’ve never been very good at playing social sport, I’m getting better now. But one of the first times I did it, I played football with a group of friends. They all used to laugh at how when I missed a shot or made a bad pass I’d yell at myself. "AIDAN!” I always thought that was because I’d played high level sport and was naturally competitive. But now, after some reflection I don’t think it is.
The first thing that got me thinking about this was a conversation with my wife. One of our children had fallen over while jumping on the couch and hurt themselves. I’d already told them not to do it and that they would hurt themselves if they continued. The inevitable happened and I went straight into teaching mode. Before expressing compassion for having been hurt. My wife and I discussed the merits of when the best time to learn from these sorts of things is. She convinced me to talk about the subject with my therapist. So at my next session that’s what I did.
It turns out my self-talk is a bit more negative than most. For instance when I took a deep dive into my own reactions when I hurt myself, I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m angry. I tell myself I’m stupid for doing something that resulted in me getting hurt. So, no wonder I jump straight to telling the kids off for playing on the couch. It’s what I do to myself. I assumed that everybody was like that. But when I talked to my wife about it I found out that wasn’t the case. We’ve lived together for 15 years and I never knew. She feels sorry for herself when she gets hurt. It sounds odd to write it now, but that came as a real surprise to me. Like, how did I never know that.
That’s one example. I talk to myself negatively in other ways too. When I’m in a low mood I’ll find that I’ll call myself names. Loser, jerk that sort of thing. I even say it out loud. My wife will hear me sometimes and call me out on it. I’ve always had unrealistic and unachievable expectations of myself. When I inevitably come up short in some way, I go in on myself. I never do that to anyone else. But for some reason when it’s myself a lot of the time I can’t be kind and acknowledge my own efforts. I only see the shortcomings.
This led me to a pretty warped realisation. I know that it’s not a good headspace to have. But for some reason I find it helpful. My realisation was this: No one else will ever hate me as much as I do. That is to say, no other person spends as much time thinking about my faults and shortcomings as I do. I’ve never disappointed them as much as I’ve disappointed myself. I've invested a lot of time telling myself that I suck and am a bad person. If there is anyone in the world who truly hates me, it's me.
That’s one of the things I’m working on the most at the moment. Trying to rewire these reactions and this self-talk to be more positive. It’s hard for many reasons. Firstly, it’s a natural reaction that I’ve learned and developed over time. Trying to work against the way I’ve programmed myself for the last 30 odd years is hard. So to change it, I have to recognise it first. When it’s so natural that it comes to you like the ability to breathe you can’t always be quick enough. I’m finding it’s important when I catch myself after the fact to give myself a break. Recognising that it happened is a small victory in itself.
The other part of it is that what I’m trying to reprogramme towards is so uncomfortable to me. I like to think I’m a pretty kind person to other people, but turning that on myself makes me squirm. Like physically, I feel weird trying to be kind to myself. Even receiving a compliment, whether it’s from someone else or myself. I’m practicing with my wife saying ‘thank you’ when she compliments me. For the last almost 20 years every time she’s given me a compliment I’ve turned it into a joke or played it off. This is helping. She’s holding me to account for those reactions which in turn helps me hold myself to account when it’s self-talk.
I wrote this all down because while my self-talk is different to most of my loved ones, I’m guessing there are people out there who do the same. If you are, there’s no time like right now to start practicing being kind to yourself. The thing that has surprised me the most about this is the impact it’s had on my family. Because while you might think it’s just your internal dialogue, it’s not. The people around you pick up on it, so when I'm uncomfortable about being kind to myself, I try to remember this is not just for me. It’s for everyone else too.