My Anxiety
This is something I wrote a couple of years ago, explaining what was happening to me at the time. But this sort of thing has been regular and periodic for me.
It’s been about three and a half years since I had a panic attack and unfortunately I’ve had a bit of a ‘relapse’. I thought I’d share what exactly it feels like for me. I’m sure it’s slightly different for everyone, but that there are a lot of things that will be universal.
The first thing that I notice, or that stops me in my tracks are physical symptoms. On this most recent occasion it was pretty crippling nausea. I had worked myself up so much that my guts couldn’t handle it anymore and decided enough was enough. For a day or so I thought it was a gastro bug, but when no one else got sick that started to seem less likely.
I get frustrated at myself, because this is all part of a cycle and every time it manages to blindside me. I know this is what happens to me, yet I let it happen again and again.
The tightness and discomfort made its way into my chest. I ended up alone in a bedroom at my parents house. Fluctuating from complete exhaustion to my fight/flight reflex firing off. Releasing adrenaline, making my chest pound, and my brain go at a million miles an hour.
So, why did it get to this point. As always, it’s never just one thing. My wife had been away for the week as we’d just had a new niece arrive in Melbourne. I was feeling the pressure of looking after the kids. I wasn’t alone, we were staying at my parents' house because we had Air BnB’d our house out. That causes me a bit of stress, getting the house tidy etc. But once again it’s another drop in the bucket.
The biggest stressor on this occasion has been work. I started a new job in November after Minded ended for me . I loved what I was doing at Minded and struggled to move on from that. In my new role I’ve been doing two jobs, which wasn’t what I had signed up for. One of those jobs requires someone with a different skill set than I have. It has been challenging and stressful to deal with. I’m also struggling moving from the fast and loose environment of start-up life, to the structure of working in large institutions.
Anyway, since the real serious anxiety came back, I’ve struggled with even the most simple tasks. They seem daunting and any minor roadblock seems likely to cause me to fall into a full panic attack. I don’t enjoy my job, but I know the job is something I can do. It’s just that at the moment, I’m struggling to see a time where I’ll feel confident again. I’ve been trying to spend as much time as I can with my family. But there is always this shadow following me around at the moment.
My conscious brain knows that this will pass. I’ve got to work through this and things will work themselves out. But the part of my brain that I have no control over, the subconscious keeps flooding me with chemicals and thoughts that don’t help me right now.
It’s been about a week since this all started and I’m still working through it. My brain is still scattered and my confidence is paper thin.
If you’re feeling like this now, I can’t encourage you enough to talk about it with someone. I would suggest a therapist or counsellor. But if you’re not comfortable with that, find someone you trust. Also, if you’ve ever felt like this before you should talk to someone about it. I think you’ll be surprised how good it feels for you and how ‘not alone’ you are.