Work / Life Balance
The juggle of the work life balance is hard and misleading. We’re all supposed to be pursuing it. And there is an implication that somewhere out there is a ‘right’ balance. But the way I look at it, that balance is different from day to day and week to week. What the right balance is for you when your kids are a certain age will change. It will change about as quickly as all their phases will, which is to say, very often. It also implies that you are some kind of set of old school scales. In one arm you have your job/career and in the other the rest of your life. I don’t know about you, but that seems like a pretty simplistic way to look at it. I mean, it’s just your whole life right?
I guess my reason for pointing out the absurdity of this ‘balance’ is that, for what the idea is trying to promote, there are better ways to think about it. Trying to break it down into hours worked vs hours not worked feels like the wrong way to be thinking about it. Because at the end of the day. Time is finite and there is never enough. Even on your best day ever, there will still be things you wished you did or did more of. So my idea is to stop torturing yourself over finding this mythical balance. My balance is different to yours, and that’s totally cool. Neither are wrong, in fact, if it works for you that's about as right as it gets.
The real problem we need to solve, in my opinion, is being present as much as you can wherever you are.
But what is present? If you’re like me, when I first heard people talking about ‘being present’ I had no idea what that actually meant. I’m not the authority, but I can tell you what it means to me. So I’m trying to make this as ‘un-wishywashy’ as possible as that's how I wanted to understand it. One of the best synonyms (I think) for ‘being present’ is ‘paying attention’. For me they are about the same thing. So I’ll use that as an example.
Think about it like chopping a carrot with a sharp knife. You put the carrot on the chopping board and pick up your knife and start chopping. If your attention and gaze wanders you’re increasing the likelihood that you’ll chop your finger off. Apply that same logic to ‘being present’ with people. You have the people, environment and activity around you. Exactly like the knife, carrot and chopping board. If you start thinking about something that isn’t physically there, those things that are, are going to suffer. Much like your poor finger with the carrot. The crappy thing about this scenario though is that you don’t get the wake up call of the pain in your finger. Sometimes the damage of not being present for those people doesn’t show itself in that moment. It festers. You subliminally tell friends, family and kids that they aren’t important to you.
At this point I have to say, I’m as bad at being on my phone as anybody. So this is a huge work on for me too. I'm putting this out there as something that I'm trying to practice. I'm not saying this is something that I have nailed at all.
But what I have been working on is a quick self-reflection exercise. The idea being to stop what you’re doing and focus your energy and attention on where you want it to be. Sometimes it’s OK to let your mind wander and have a good old day-dream. But other times there are people who you should be giving your attention. Rather than watching ‘The Chase’ or staring at your phone.
I have a quick check in with myself when I feel like I’m not paying attention or being present.
What I’ve started trying to do is to ask myself…
Where am I?
Who am I with?
What are we doing?
Is there something more important than this right now?
As an example it looks like…
Where am I? At home, in the lounge
Who am I with? My daughter
What are we doing? She’s telling me about her dance troupe routine
Is there something more important than this right now? No
It helps me focus and reminds me that pulling my phone out is pulling me away from what I want. Most of not ‘being present’ is subconscious. As in, your focus shifts without you actively directing it to. So, consciously recognising your surroundings is a great way to override this. It takes practice and if you’re like me you won’t get it every time. But I find when I do catch myself and pull my attention back I never regret it.
Because the way I look at it. Having 20 hours a day with your kids or people you care about or 2 hours a day isn’t the question I want to ask myself. Did I spend that time building our bond? Are we closer now than before? Did we share a cool experience together? For me If I have a positive answer to those questions, my balance is exactly where it needs to be.