Breaking the Anxiety Cycle

If you’re anything like me, one of your big fears as a parent is that you pass on your anxieties to your kids. This has been the kick off point for many conversations I’ve had with my therapist. My big concern is that my kids have the same experiences that I’ve written about. Panic attacks and depressive periods. Anxiety about anxiety is a nasty little knot to tie yourself in. But much like everything else, there are things you can do about it.

It’s important to keep in mind that kids are sponges. They are very perceptive from an early age. It’s never too early to be mindful about the behaviour you are role-modelling in front of kids. Just as they are little parrots with what you say, they are also learning how to deal with the world by following your lead.

With that in mind, one of the best things you can do is work on your own anxiety. While there is a certain element that may be genetic, there is also what they learn from you. In previous modules I’ve talked about exercises and actions you can take. In this module, it’s about how you explain to your kids, what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.

Part of breaking the anxiety cycle is acknowledging the existence of anxiety. If you pretend like anxiety is not an issue, your child is going to think that there is nothing that can be done about those feelings. We can’t shelter our kids from all difficult experiences. Instead we should work on giving them the tools to deal with them when they do arise. If you think about your own anxieties, are they thoughts you rarely say aloud? By starting a conversation with your kids about worries and feelings you have yourself, you’re removing a significant blocker in dealing with them.

So, let’s talk about practical applications. How do we do this?

If your child sees you worried about something and watches it turn into anxiety, they learn that behaviour. They don’t have the concept of ‘anxiety’ yet, so they fill in the blanks. They pick up a negative coping habit and start applying it for themselves.

In the module ‘Anxiety about children’ the exercise was to identify what you can do about one specific thing. So, once again pick one thing that is making you anxious and look at what you can do about it. Then, explain to your kids the steps you are taking. They can learn another way to deal with anxieties. It’s important that you explain the process you go through to them and the feelings you have.

In the module I talked about the example of power plugs. If you say, "I was worried about your little brother sticking something in there and electrocuting himself. So I’ve put some socket covers over them, to keep him safe." This explains that you had the feeling, and then you did something about it.

But we can do better than that. No one can ask a better ‘why?’ question than a small child (or 5 consecutive “why’s” within a minute). Taking your time to explain the ‘why’ is important for both of you. It also helps you tease out the deeper reasons. Not only are you helping them to develop that skill for processing worries and emotions, you’re also making sure you step through the process slowly and deliberately yourself. “I’m doing this, because it will make us safer and we won’t have to worry about things getting put in the socket” in the example above. Saying that out loud can make it real to you in a way that thinking sometimes can’t. It also helps your child to learn that the worry comes from a place of love and care. You want their brother to be safe. That's easier to understand than 'anxiety'.

Is it going to stop your kid from doing something that might be dangerous? Probably not. They’ll find something else dangerous to do. But you are laying the foundation of a tool that allows them to recognise what they have control over. And also what they don’t.

If you’re prone to negative self talk and beating up on yourself. The chances are, that your kids have picked up on that. Much like the previous example, the key to addressing this is communication and role modeling a positive relationship with yourself. In the module ‘Feeling lost as a parent’ the exercise was to write down five things you did well that day. You can do this with your kids too. Even before they learn to write, you can talk those things through with them. Maybe even put them down on paper or a whiteboard for them. Did they do something nice for a sibling or friend? Did they try something new? Climb a bit higher at the playground?

Helping your kids to recognise their own growth and things they are good at, is empowering for them. Building up pride in learning and growing as a person is key to encouraging a growth mindset. As well as a passion for life-long learning. It also teaches them how to practice gratitude. They are acknowledging positive things in their life.

The added benefit is that it can actually give you great perspective too. Your kid might be chuffed about something that puts some of the worries you have into very sharp relief!

One thing I started doing with my kids, before I even realised what or why I was doing it for, was breathing. I was doing it at bedtime. We would read some books, then before I’d sing a song for them, we would do some deep breathing. It’s actually one of the exercises I learnt when I first went to therapy as a 16 year old. I learnt it to help me switch off at bed time. Without consciously thinking about doing it, I had started to teach it to my kids for the same reason.

Now, there are tonnes of great breathing exercises out there that you can do if you want to check out others online. But here’s one that I like and do with our kids.

It’s nice and simple. Put your left hand up with your fingers spread apart. Then take the index finger of your right hand and run it slowly up your left thumb. Inhale deeply on the way up your thumb. Hold your finger and breath at the top of the thumb. Then exhale and run your finger slowly back down your thumb. Now, move on to the index finger and repeat. Up and down. Inhale and exhale. Nice and slowly. Once you’ve done all five fingers, check in. Are you feeling more relaxed? Less worried or stressed? Start the process again, up and down the thumb. This is great as it’s tactile and gives a focus for the kids. They can look at their hand and watch their finger go up and down.

I guess the summary of this module is, let’s not pretend that life is always easy. Let’s start teaching our kids how to manage when challenges come up. As the saying goes, you never know how well you understand something until you try to teach someone. The great thing about teaching your kids these skills for coping is that you’ll get better at them too.

The three actions are:

1. Do your anxiety audit so your kids know what you're doing, and why you're doing it.

2. Practice your five things I did well today as a family

3. Practice breathing exercises with your kids.