Comparison
Comparison is the thief of joy. When we find ourselves comparing how good of a parent we are with our friends or people we see on social media. Or, comparing ourselves to the ideal version we build in our minds. Or, even our previous self or friends without kids, we stop enjoying what we have in the present moment. It is one of the easiest traps to fall into as a parent. You find yourself sitting on the couch on your phone and scrolling past people doing things that you aren’t. Living a life that you aren’t, but might want. I even find that I compare myself to my past self or my alternate ‘now’ self who does things better. These comparisons are unhelpful and take me out of living in the present and enjoying what I have.
So, let's break these down into categories. The first one is “comparison to others”. Whether it’s a friend, or someone you don’t know, we all love to have a look at how others are doing. It’s human nature to look at what someone else has and weigh that up against what we have. Now, if this is to pick up and learn something cool, or interesting that someone is doing that’s great. But when we place a value judgement on it, it becomes less helpful. If you see someone doing something, or they have something that you feel that is better than yours, it becomes unhelpful.
There are a few things at play here. We all like to be the best version of ourselves in front of others. When you see someone being patient with their child. Or doing something really fun with them, it’s not always like that. You’re looking at a snapshot of their life. That context is important. While we’d all like to be the fun parent all the time, no one is. And no one can be all the time. We all have highs and lows and things we would do differently if we got the chance again.
There is no place worse for this than social media. It’s being the best version of ourselves in front of others, but on steroids. Because everything on there can be staged and only the best example shared with the world. So when you compare that to your everyday life it’s going to look more fun, cuter, more whatever. But again, it’s looking at a moment, not the entirety of their life as a parent. It’s not a competition to see who is the most fun all the time. But we can get caught up in thinking that when we don't see the full context.
What can we do about it? Being around other people is mostly unavoidable (pandemics not withstanding) and social media is pretty much a part of life. I’ve found two things that work for me. Firstly, remembering the context. Like I’ve said above, you’re looking at one moment. They aren’t a better parent than you, they are having a good moment. Appreciate it. This leads on to the second point. If you like what you see, try to take an action away. It’s easy to watch someone do something fun or cool with their kid and think ‘I don’t do that with my kids’ and feel jealous. There's a more positive way to approach this. If you thought what they were doing with their kid was good, think about the ‘action’ you can take away. Could you do that thing with your kid(s) or does it give you an idea for something similar. Don’t put a value judgement on it, ask yourself, is this something I want to do? If so, you can walk away with an action, rather than an emotion.
The most unfair comparison you can make is to yourself. Be that, your former self before kids, or to the idealised version of you who never makes any mistakes as a parent. This is different to the comparison with others. You know everything about your life, how it was before kids. If you’re having a rough day it can be very tempting to think about your past or ideal life. It was simpler, you had a lot of free time and could do whatever you felt like. Or, you handle every situation calmly. In a way that teaches your child a lesson while reminding them that you love and support them. Personally, I struggle with this more than comparing to others.
If you’re like me, sometimes you set unrealistically high standards for yourself. If you’ve read through the other modules you might see that theme. I can be quite hard on myself. I want to do the best I can and that can mean falling short is disappointing. The problem with this comparison, the one to my ideal self, is that it’s completely unrealistic. I know that I make mistakes, everyone does, and I would always forgive someone else. But when it comes to that ideal version of me, he doesn’t make mistakes. That makes it hard to forgive myself when I make a mistake. Because, in my head, there's a version of me that doesn’t make mistakes.
What can I do about this sort of comparison? I’m still working on this myself. But a good place to start is by realising that neither of those people exist. The past you, and the ideal you are not real people. You are. Those people do nothing wrong, or live better lives than yours. That's because they only exist in some non-existent alternate reality. You’re comparing yourself to someone who only exists where they do something better than you. And even then, they only exist in your head.
Accepting the fact that your comparisons are to people that exist in your imagination is key. That person doesn’t have your other stressors. They don’t have your job, your rent/mortgage to pay. You’re losing that context of why we don’t always react in the best way to situations. Like with comparison to others, the context matters here too. You’re imagining a person in 2D. Not their whole life.
Unlike with comparison to others, you don’t want to take an action away. What I’ve found the best thing to do, is to re-focus on the you that actually exists. This comparison comes up in moments when you are feeling down on yourself. There are two things, I think, that are important to help bring the real you back into focus at these moments.
The first is gratitude. I really struggled with gratitude at first. I was told that it can be simple things. Like having a roof over your head etc. But these things never made me genuinely grateful. For me it came back to personal connections. Those are the things I value the most in life. When I began to focus on my gratitude for those things it began to resonate with me far better. Spending quality time with good friends and family. Or one on one time with my wife or one of my kids are the things that work for me. So I encourage you to find something that speaks to what you truly value. The more specific the better too. Think about a moment that made you happy, not ‘in general’. We have those moments a lot and we overlook them. Practice being grateful for them instead.
The second is contentment. Even though that ‘other you’ does some fun things, or handles situations well, what you have is pretty great. We can lose sight of this in tough moments. The life I actually have, makes me happy. There are parts that are tough, but that is a fact of life. When I sit back and look at everything, I have a lot. Losing sight of this momentarily happens to us all. It’s how you bring yourself back to contentment with what you have in those moments that’s the key. This will take practice and the same as with gratitude, the more specific the better. For me I focus on reading a book with one of my kids. It’s sharing something I love doing, with someone I love while we build our bond. For me it’s great. But what makes it better than the other me in my mind, is that it's real.
The key themes here to practice are…
Context, take a step back. With others, remember you’re not getting everything. With yourself, you’re in a moment that doesn’t represent your whole life.
If you were comparing yourself to someone else, what action are you taking? Do you want that in your life? Do something about it.
If you were comparing to a different version of you. Pause. Reflect. What are you grateful for in your real life? Focus on specific examples. Then, look at the big picture. Contentment with what you have is the antidote to pining for what you don’t.