Taking You Time…

When I first became a parent, I threw myself into it 100%. Other than going to work, I don’t think there was a single routine in my life that wasn’t impacted. I dropped my regular morning gym workouts. Stopped catching up with friends after work and did different things on the weekends. Late night things like gigs and nights out were less appealing. My lifestyle became quite different, fast. Obviously, things had slowed down while my wife was pregnant. But I was still gyming and had time after work etc. for friends. As soon as our daughter arrived, I was all in.

As you may have picked up from some of the other pieces I’ve written, I started to find things pretty tough a few months in. My daughter wouldn’t take a bottle. Bath time would always end with her screaming. My days started to become a cycle I couldn't break. I'd have some nice moments in the morning before I left for work. Then I'd get back home around 5.30-6ish. I'd spend the next hour or so not being able to feed her and screaming the house down after a bath. I was fried. I was trying so hard and I was sucking. Or at least that’s what I was telling myself.

I had got myself so wound up that I couldn’t see a way around anything. So I was repeating the same mistakes over and over, because it was all I could think of. I wanted so badly to be good at parenting that I lost sight of all the other things in my life. I stopped taking time for myself. I had to sort this out. But the harder I was trying, the harder it got.

The analogy I’ve used with myself is like trying to solve a maths problem. If it’s a tough problem sometimes you sit there staring at it for ages. You just can’t see the solution no matter what. Your brain gets stuck in a rut. You end up following the same thought process and expecting a different result. It’s the same anywhere in your life. Unless you step away, it’s easy to sit there and stew. Unable to come up with the answer, the inevitable outcome is frustration, resentment and anger. But if you walk away, take a break and think about something else, when you sit back down the answer is sitting there in your head ready to go.

It’s the same with anything, especially parenting. If you are running up against a brick wall mentally, it's OK to give yourself a break. In fact, it’s more than OK, it’s necessary. No one can be ‘on’ 24/7.

This module isn’t about some magical parenting hack for bathing or taking a bottle. This is about why I was in the kind of headspace that I could get so rattled. How I got myself in that space, what I’ve learnt about myself because of it and what I do now to avoid being there again. Hopefully it’s helpful to you, or someone you know.

What the module is focussing on is the value of taking ‘you time’. But more specifically, taking ‘you time’ to exercise. As I said, one of the areas that I fell down in was I lost my routine with exercise. I dropped the gym and played one or two games of five a side football. Nothing regular though. I wasn’t breaking a sweat and for me, as I’m sure for most of us, this is a problem.

I’ll quickly lay the science down. I’m sure you’ve read or heard about most of it. The highlights are, exercising releases endorphins in your brain. Endorphins are chemicals produced by your body to deal with stress and pain. You might have heard them referred to as ‘feel-good’ chemicals. Studies have also shown that inactive people are twice as likely to have depressive symptoms. Exercise has been shown to be not just good for your mood, but your long term brain health. Some studies suggest regular exercise can reduce the risk of dementia and alzheimers by up to 40%.

That's all great, however it’s the stuff that doesn’t show up in the studies that I want to call out here. Those things for me, largely fall into two categories. Social benefits, and mindfulness benefits.

Social Benefits

For lots of exercise there is a social element built in. Team sports are the obvious one. If you’re in a team, you’re not just getting the benefits of exercise, you’re spending time with friends. Win/win, and something you never consider when you’re young and it's part of your life. On reflection, for me, I fell out of love with most of the sports I played long before I stopped playing. I kept going for the people. But it’s not only formal team sports. Having a regular catch up with friends that centres on exercise is good too. A kick around, pick up basketball, anything really. Whatever you’re into.

If you go to the gym, you might have someone you see who you say hi to. It doesn’t have to be much. But you’ve had a small interaction with someone you wouldn’t have otherwise.

When you’re fresh to the parenting game, it surrounds you. You’re going to talk about your child a lot with your partner. You’re also probably in an ante-natal group. Lots of the chat with those people will be about parenting and kids too. It’s beneficial for you to be in a social setting where babies and parenting isn’t the main focus. You give your brain a break from all those thoughts and release those good chemicals as well. It’s probably the best way to bring some balance to your life.

Mindfulness Benefits

The great thing about solo pursuits, like running, swimming or a solo bike ride, is that you are with your own thoughts. You’re also practising some breath work too, whether you think about it or not. It’s almost like you get a bit of free meditation (if you like to think of it that way), along with the endorphins. I’ve become far more purposeful about using my runs as mini/pseudo meditations. I ditched wearing headphones. I want to be present and focus on my breath while I’m doing it.

For those who aren’t into meditation, or don’t really get what I’m talking about when I say mindfulness. Mindfulness is a type of meditation. Specifically focused on what you are feeling and sensing, without the need to interpret why that might be, or what it means. Basically, just being in the moment and focusing on your own senses (sight, touch, smell etc.). I think solo pursuits give you a very similar experience. When you run or swim etc. you focus on your body, your technique and your breath. I’m sure anyone who does this sort of exercise has felt some form of post-workout buzz. Some of that is coming from the mindfulness you’ve been doing.

OK, we’ve got some good benefits from taking ‘you time’ to do exercise. Now we need to make time for it to happen. You’ll notice I didn’t say ‘find time’. It’s not simply a semantic difference. It’s in the intention. Finding time implies that it’s a nice to have, not a priority. Whereas ‘making time’ signals that this is something you mean to do.

You may find that you wake up a bit earlier than you used to. In my experience, the morning is your friend when it comes to exercise. You can get up and go if you’re a runner, gym’er, cyclist or swimmer. Make the most of those extra hours in the morning. You’ll find you have more energy during the day, will go to sleep quicker at night and generally feel better.

If you struggle with the mornings, or that doesn’t work for your family situation, another option is to schedule it in. Lots of us use calendars on our phones and computers, book some time in there to do exercise. Make it an appointment that you keep. Seeing it next to your other commitments is a good reminder for you that this is an important priority for you.

Another great, low effort way to ensure you’re getting some time for yourself is to join a team. Generally your games will be on a specific day and time (maybe you’ll practise, maybe not). But everything is scheduled for you (unless you’re organising the team!). The great thing about being in a team is the social side of things that comes with it. Get a few endorphins and spend some time with people you otherwise wouldn’t see regularly, win win.

The last advice to give on this is to be realistic. If you weren’t a runner before and you want to start, don’t aim for a marathon straight away. Set yourself some goals that are achievable. The whole idea is to take some time to improve your head space. That’s not going to happen if you’re getting on your own case because you aren’t as fast or fit as you want to be (or used to be). 

So I can’t prescribe an exercise that is going to work for everyone. Because everyone has different things they like doing. It's more of a way to frame it in your mind. For me it's a motto, it helps me with both choosing to take 'me time' and the guilt I used to feel for doing so. I'll also summarise some tips for how you can make it happen.

The Motto

By choosing to do things that make me healthier and boost my mood, I am a better parent, partner and friend. I don’t feel guilt for taking time to do things for myself.

Tips

Use your mornings - if your kid(s) wakes early use those hours.

Book it in - put it in your calendar or your phone. Make it an appointment you have to keep.

Join a team - you’ll be social and if you’re lucky someone else will be organising everything for you! You just need to turn up.

Don’t overshoot - be realistic.