Being ‘Enough’

This module is one of the most important things I’ve come to realise in life and parenting. I had heard people say things like, “I am enough” and I thought I got it, and that applied to me too. But I was wrong. I didn’t look at myself that way if I was being honest. My decisions and behaviour were driven by ego and that ego was based on me presenting a version of myself that kept unreasonably high expectations. I didn’t truly, in my heart, believe that just me, without any of my achievements or accomplishments was enough. It took me a long time to shift my mindset to accept myself as being enough to be happy with.

Becoming a parent ran up against this mindset very quickly and very hard. I wanted to achieve things, to prove myself. I set unrealistic goals that when I failed to reach, it reaffirmed the underlying belief that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the perfect parent who nailed everything, and it hurt.

There is no person out there who is a perfect parent. That doesn’t exist. But it’s really easy to find yourself striving for a perfection that doesn’t exist. I always want to be the best at everything I do and parenting is no different. But it humbled me in a way that few other challenges have in my life. It is a long, slow game. There is no score to validate that you’re good, or winning. There is no test or exam to prove you’ve learnt what you’re supposed to. There is just your life, unfolding day by day and the love and support you can give to your kids.

And so I have to wrestle with this mindset and try to change it. It was one of the key aspects of my self development through therapy. Trying to rebuild my relationship with myself. Beating myself up for minor mistakes was an everyday occurrence for me. Recognising those feelings and thoughts rising up is the first step to trying to change them. 

My therapist would throw ‘You’re a great dad’ at me in our sessions after we’d been discussing family life. And for nine months or so, my pre-programmed response was, ‘I’m trying my best’. I couldn’t accept the compliment, nor could I accept that I was actually a good dad. I was stuck in this mindset of thinking I could be better, and couldn’t acknowledge all I was doing well. What’s worse, is that I didn’t even really see it. She had to point it out to me.

She was trying to highlight to me that I was missing out on one fundamental truth. The fact that I cared enough about being a ‘good dad’ meant that I was in fact a good dad. It took me a long time to come to accept that about myself. The fact that I care, I want to be there for them and support them is enough.

Those negative thoughts I had of myself were a way of processing things that was no longer working for me, especially as a parent. I needed to build a new perspective of myself. I needed to accept that I was enough, just me. That being me is enough to be proud of. I don’t need to be selected on a team, or a medal, or a certificate of validation from anyone else. Essentially the ways I had drawn pride and confidence in myself before. This was a hard journey to undertake, and the result of a number of changes to the way I think about and talk to myself.

This doesn’t mean that I don't still want to learn and grow. It’s that I want to do those things from a place of acceptance and respect for myself. Not because I have an insatiable desire to seek perfection. The personal development I do is for me and my own happiness, not in the pursuit of growing my ego and what others might think of the achievement.

And so, this exercise is about reflection. For all of us, the reasons we might not feel we are enough will all be slightly different based on our own experiences. At the core of it however, is a common strand. It links to my realisation about the fact that I cared enough to try to be a good dad. I already was and couldn’t acknowledge myself for it. 

So the exercise is this, think about skills, habits and personal tools you already have. The things you’ve developed over time for which, like me, you wouldn’t be comfortable receiving a compliment about and embrace and acknowledge them.

The fact that you care enough in the first place to want to be better at something, is a pretty good indicator that you are, in fact, already enough. Especially when it comes to children. They are all different. There is no ‘right’ way to do things, and so there is no ‘perfect’ way to parent them. But by being there everyday and remembering what you do have to offer, I think you’ll realise that you’re enough too.