My Life in the Middle

I’ve started having conversations with my doctor about coming off my medication. Medication was never the long game. It served a purpose for me, but now that I’m getting closer to it becoming a reality, I’m getting a little apprehensive. I think it’s mainly a worry that I’ll slip straight into depression, which will be a real kick in the guts for me. Especially after all of the work I’ve done in therapy, going sober and getting a pretty solid exercise regime. I’d be gutted to be faced with the fact that ultimately it was the meds that were the most help. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the case, or that at least the science and data doesn’t back that up. But it’s a lingering fear.

The question I’m asking myself as a result of that fear is, why do I want to come off of the medication anyway? The honest answer, is that I don’t have one solid reason. I’ve read that they (scientists etc) aren’t sure what the implications of long term antidepressant use are. So there’s a bit of a worry there, but my take has always been that if I felt I needed it, I should be taking it.

The main thing, is that I find my life right now is lived very much in the middle. At the start of this round of depression, a couple of years ago, this was the aim. So it seems strange to now find it being the reason I want to stop medication. But, like the title of the story implies, my life stays pretty ‘in the middle’ most of the time. The best way I can describe it, is to think of a spectrum one to ten. With one being absolute despair, and ten being unbridled joy. I spend my life these days in the four, five and six regions of that spectrum. I’ve cut the three, two and one out, but at the expense of eight, nine and ten.

Now, like I said, that was the whole idea. To try to avoid finding myself in the low numbers. To balance myself out so that I didn’t ride the roller coaster of my emotions. And, for a year or so, that was great because that was exactly what I needed. It gave me a break from being in that fight or flight mode. The mode where my brain started narrowing my field of vision and impacting my memory to save space for the constant fight it found itself in. I needed that, and it worked. But now, I’ve reached a point where either those low numbers are far enough in the rear view, or I’m starting to really miss the high numbers. Probably it's a combination of both.

I’ve had many times over the last six months or so where people have asked me if I’m alright. Because I’m being quieter than they are used to me being. Which is true, I’ve noticed it as well. I’m not as animated, or as creative as I usually am. I actually think my writing is worse too, or at least much harder to get out. I’ve settled into this zone of avoiding lows and highs and the neutrality of it is creeping into everything I do. I think I’ve got to the point where I feel like I’m missing the highs enough to risk the lows.

Part of me thinks that this is a really selfish desire. My wife and kids don’t need me at one, two or three again. I think I’ve been going pretty well in my relationships with them as a result of being more level. So I worry about risking that too. Is it selfish that I want to feel the highs of the really awesome things they do? I keep going round and round in my head on this point. Shouldn’t I just be happy with where I’ve got to and not risk that?

The thing that is both reassuring and concerning at the same time, is that the journey with medication is so specific to everyone. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, or at least it’s less tangible. There is no scan you can do, or a test you can run to see if the infection is still there. It’s up to the individual to gauge where they are and make the best decision they can for themself at that time. Like I said, it’s reassuring in the sense that if I feel like I should at least explore the idea. But concerning in the sense that there is no tried and true method. No one can tell you that this is the path to follow for success.

There’s another reason I want to come off my medication which isn’t related to my mental health. Ever since I went on the medication, my urine flow has been pathetic. So much so that I got worried about it and went to the doctor and eventually to a specialist. So for my troubles I got a finger up the bum and a camera down my willy. Only to be told it's one of the lesser documented side effects of the medication I’m on. I’m more interested to see if I go back to normal and how quickly. Plus my wife and kids can hopefully stop complaining about how long it takes me to go for a wee!

But joking aside, I know I’m going to do it. It’s more a case of debating with myself whether now is the right time or not. But to be honest I know deep down that I’ll be ready whenever the time comes. I’ve never been in such a good position with all my other tools. Writing, being sober and having a pretty solid exercise routine along with the tools I developed in therapy mean that I know I’m in a great place right now.