My Dad Guilt
I’m writing this from a very comfortable hotel suite in downtown Toronto. I slept in until 930 this morning for the first time in years. Then stumbled out onto the street to find a coffee, before returning to read my book and rest my back. Yes, I’m at the stage of life where a long flight renders me immobile for a few days after. Getting old is no joke!
But the reason I’m writing this is because coupled with the amazing feeling of freedom and the love of exploring a new city, is the guilt I feel being away from my kids. I’ve watched quite a few talks recently and ‘Mum Guilt’, which for those who aren’t familiar is the feeling of guilt or worry about making mistakes with their kids, but quite often entangled with working. I’m feeling a bit of ‘Dad Guilt’, which is less driven by societal pressures. But if you’ve read the rest of my site, you’ll know that a lot of my stresses and triggers have come from trying to carry an even load of the parenting weight.
I initially didn’t think I was going to be coming. My wife started a new job recently where her focus is largely on the Canadian market. She had an event that she wanted to attend in Toronto and I was going to be at home with the kids while she went for the week. But then we had my parents over for dinner and my wonderful mum suggested that she and my dad could have the kids and I should go too. Secretly, I was hoping they would make this offer, but I wouldn’t have asked. So, we looked at the options for me to go too and given the lead time we had to book, it wasn’t too expensive. Lucky me!
We are incredibly fortunate to have my parents as support. The relationship they have with the kids is amazing. The kids love them, and like grandparents do, they shower the kids with attention, unwavering love, and other things (ice cream and chocolate mainly). So my guilt isn’t about anyone feeling put upon, or an uncomfortable situation. In fact, I’m sure the kids would opt for the situation to be permanent if given the option!
The guilt comes from a place of me passing the burden of my responsibilities to someone else. I really struggle with it, like I’m sure lots of people do. Having someone do something that is ‘my job’ feels like I’m asking too much of them, no matter the size of the task. This is definitely linked to my inability to be kind to myself (which I’m working on). But the idea of people doing things for me still feels uncomfortable to me. If I don’t feel like I deserve someone to help me out, why should anyone want to help me? Even with my family, people who love me. For example, I resolved pretty early in my adult life that I didn’t want to be a financial burden on my parents. I couldn’t bear the idea of them working to fund my lifestyle/dreams. Now that I look back on it, that resolution came from an extended period of depression, but it’s become part of my core values I guess.
Anyway, I started writing this so that I could work through it myself, so that I can enjoy this trip without the guilt. I know my kids are fine, I know my parents love spending time with them and I know that I deserve some time to recharge my batteries. I just need that message to work it’s way through to my subconscious too.
It just so happens that on the plane on the way over I watched the ‘Treat Yo-self’ episode of Parks and Rec. For those not familiar, the episode centres around two of the more fun loving characters having a day where they treat themselves. But they end up taking their more serious and reserved colleague who struggles with the concept of ‘treating himself’ for no real reason.
Like I said, on an intellectual level, I know that I deserve a week to ‘treat myself’. It’s been over three years since I’ve been overseas, and other than the odd night away or sleepover with the grandparents it’s been 24/7 since the start of Covid. I mean, we went into the first lockdown with three kids under five years old. I think anyone who parented through the pandemic is in need of some kind of respite or time off. But somewhere deep in my subconscious is a voice that says “Someone is doing something that you should be doing”.
What am I going to do about it? I’m going to head out and meet an old mate I haven’t seen in ages for lunch. Tell myself I deserve it and enjoy where I am, without the side order of guilt. Treat Yo-self!