My Clever Kid
So, I wrote this for my eldest daughter. I wanted to explain to her what I’ve been writing and sharing. Like me, she likes to sit with things and write them down too.
I want to write you a letter/story about the website that dad has made. It’s a bit funny that lots of people have read it and that it’s made me a little bit famous. But it’s about things that happen in all of our brains. About worrying. About wanting to be a good dad and about how all of us think thoughts that don’t help us from time to time.
As we grow up, everyone of us figures out our own way to deal with the things that happen to us in life. For every single person that is going to be different. That’s because no two lives are the same. When you’re born, where you live, and the first time you experience things will be different. So our brains have to make their own way of handling the experiences we have as we grow.
Now, these ways of handling the things that happen to us will be the way that works at the time. That way of acting may stop being the best way to react in future. But our brains build a pathway. What happens is that once we have that pathway, we follow it every time we find ourselves in a similar situation. Like when you’re a baby, you don’t know that if a ball is coming at your face it’s going to hurt if it hits you. The first time it will hit you in the face. So in future you have an automatic response to put your hands up and protect yourself. Our brains do the same thing with emotions too.
As we grow up, sometimes we find that that pathway we’ve made is not that healthy for us. It can make us sad, or worry about things, or angry when we respond in that way. But we’ve done it so many times that it’s hard for us to not react that way. I found I was like that, so I went and talked to a special brain doctor who helped me to change the way I reacted to situations. I learnt some healthy ways to react and built new, better pathways. By healthy, I mean ways that are better for me, both in my body and my brain. Just like eating a vegetable, instead of eating a chocolate biscuit. Except it’s for my brain and my feelings.
I made my website because lots of people either don’t know that you can change those pathways, or are too scared or shy to ask for help. So I want people to see what it has been like for me and to give them some tips to get them started. I used to be a little bit embarrassed by it myself, but I’m getting better at realising that it’s just who I am and I want to grow as a person so I can be a better Dad to you kids.
One thing I want you to know is that I love you more than anything in the world. All of the stories I tell about my worries and times I’ve felt sad are either because I love you and care about you, or because my brain pathways were working in a way that wasn’t helping me. It was never because I didn’t love you, or think you are the most important thing in my life. In fact nothing makes me happier than you, I love you and your sister and brother more than anything in the world.
In fact it’s because I want to be a better person and a better dad for you that I wanted to try get better at these things. I want to be able to teach you healthy thinking and how to look after yourself. I only started sharing it with other people once I had made a bit of progress and was feeling a bit more confident in myself. But I started doing this because I love you and want to be the best I can be for you, and for myself.
So I share stories about being anxious, and sad and angry, because I don’t want to pretend that I don’t have those feelings. We all have those feelings. I want our family to be able to tell each other about how we feel because we love each other. I share them with other people (dad’s especially) because when we were little, it wasn’t as common for people to talk about their feelings.
I love you, and I always will. If people ever talk to you about dad’s website, you can tell them (or just tell yourself) that I’m learning and sharing all of these things because I love you and your sister and brother and want to be the best possible dad I can for you all. If I can help another dad (or anyone) too, then that's great.
Here’s what she came back to me with a few days later….
Dear dad, I sometimes have those feelings too and that's OK. So should I tell you if I have those feelings? Or should I not. But how do you change those pathways? And do others get those feelings too? I love you too and Mum , Bella and Henry. But sometimes I feel angry with them. Is that ok? But what happens at school when I get angry I usually just walk away.
My feelings sometimes just get out of control and I get angry. Or sometimes when I'm having fun people who are angry run into our game and hurt people. What should I do? And what am I supposed to do if someone else gets angry at my friends? Should I not tell them to control themselves or leave my friends alone?
Are my feelings important? Or are yours just important? Should I tell you my feelings? Do I tell you my pathways? Or should you share your pathways? But everyone is important to me. Here are some feelings I have thought about: Happy, Sad,Calm,Angry and tired. Here are some paragraphs about those feelings.
Firstly, I feel happy for people and I sometimes just feel happy enjoying myself. Happy means enjoying yourself and having fun. It also means Happy for others when they have done something you are very proud of.
Secondly, Sad. Sadness everyone has it sometimes. But it is when you are hurt or maybe when someone hurts your feelings. Sadness is a good feeling that makes you know what happens when you are not ok.
Thirdly, Calm. Calm is when you are relaxed. When you are angry, breathe and you will feel calm again. You will never always be calm.Even when you want to but you just can't.
Fourthly, Angry. Angriness is when you can't control yourselves. People get it all the time. But they always find a way to get calm again. I get angry too at times. But I'm not sure if you get angry sometimes?
Fifthly and lastly, Tired. Tiredness is when you need a break you're tired. That's what happens when you get to bed at night time. I also get tired at school when we do too much for me.
Are those feelings correct? If they are, I will be so happy. Feelings are important for you and me and everyone in the world should care about feelings sometimes.