My Exhaustion
This is something I wrote earlier this year (2021) about where I was at at that moment in time.
I’m feeling exhausted. I’ve been in a bout of depression for about a month now and I’m starting to get really run down. I’m struggling to get to sleep without my medication (I was taking anxiety medication at this point). When the kids wake me in the night I can’t roll over and drift off. So I’m low on sleep. But I don’t feel like it’s the physical exhaustion that's the worst part. I can handle that stuff and bounce back. The thing that’s exhausting me, is pretending to be OK.
At work it’s my job to lead a team. My usual style is to try and make everybody feel their best and empower them. I’m battling to do that at the moment. I’m finding myself hiding away from them sometimes when it gets too difficult. But when I do talk to them or meet with other people I’m having to put on an act and it’s so draining.
This is the longest period of depression or feeling low I’ve ever had. Maybe, when I was in my late teens or early 20’s I had something similar. But I wasn’t as cognisant of myself and my depression then. So it’s the accumulation of putting on a brave face and finding fake positive energy over a period of time that is making me feel so tired.
I don’t think I’m the lowest I’ve ever been, I’m not at that point. But the build up is taxing. I’ve had a couple of brighter periods. Sometimes a few hours or even half a day or so, but I always seem to slip back into anxiousness and depression. It’s not like I don’t have great moments either. My eldest daughter and I are reading the Harry Potter series together. We’ve started reading a page each and her reading is incredible. She’s not even 6 yet and she can read so well.
She’s a lot like me though, and that worries me when I’m feeling like this. I don’t want her to have to deal with this stuff. I hate the idea that I may have given her some gene that makes her prone to depression. Like all parents I want to shield her from harm, but what if I’m the reason she’s going to experience lows. It’s a hard one to reconcile. I want to be able to give her the tools to deal with it, but I still struggle with that myself.
I honestly don’t see an end in sight at the moment. I haven’t been able to get in to see my therapist (I’m going in a few days). She’s helped me before, mainly on the anxiety side of things. But this feels more fundamental. Like I’m going to need to talk about some tough stuff, not just discuss coping strategies. That scares me. The reason I started writing things down is because I struggle to articulate it to people. So the idea of trying to get it out in a way that tells my story and gives me a way forward is daunting. I’m hoping that having done this before, as well as being a bit older and (hopefully) wiser I can get there.
I’ve cut out alcohol (I’m now a little over five months sober) and cut back on caffeine. I reckon these things have helped.
*As a result of this period of depression I’ve gone onto medication. I don’t want to suggest anything for anyone’s situation here. If you have felt or feel like what I’ve described here, please talk to someone you trust about it and book in to see your GP. It’s the best place to start I’ve found.