Feeling Lost as a Parent

I remember walking out of our last antenatal session with a sense of confidence. Like, if what we’d talked about and worked through was the worst of it, this parenting stuff was going to be easy. But as soon as my daughter was born, I realised that what those classes taught us were the easy parts of parenting. Changing a nappy and caring for a baby. But then you get out into the real world and that stuff makes up such a small percentage of your day.

There is also a realisation that dads or non-breastfeeding partners need to come to. You are pretty much there to support your partner in the earliest days. Other than bouncing the baby around a bit and changing nappies, you can’t get involved in the most important part, the feeding. This can be even harder on you if your baby won’t take a bottle.

This happened to me. I had built up in my head that everything would be 50/50. But as soon as we got home from the hospital it became pretty obvious that it doesn’t work like that in real life.

As soon as your child is born they will need their mother, a lot more than their father/other parent. This is a biological reality. The most obvious reason for this is feeding. Mum has the milk and that not only feeds and hydrates the baby, but it also settles them too. Your job is mainly one of support, for your partner. Not only is she physically and mentally exhausted. She’s essentially the one thing supporting this new life. Making her job as easy as you can is one of the best ways you can be a great parent in the early days.

You’re very tired, have a new human being to look after and their behaviour seems to change without warning. One minute they are sleeping serenely on your chest and you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. The next they are crying for (apparently) no reason at all. Sometimes you’ll be able to calm them and other times, you won’t. Sometimes, someone else will pick them up and they will stop crying. This can be demoralising if you allow yourself to ride that emotional rollercoaster. But it’s hard not to. You’ve never done this before, you’re very tired, and someone else just soothed your baby better than you could!

It won’t be just one thing, or a certain event that gets to you. It builds up. But what it led to for me was feeling lost, confused and depressed. I had wanted so badly to be the best Dad. A dad who could sort things out like some magic baby whisperer. But that’s not how it was working out.

I also found going back to work hard. I still vividly remember the first day I left home, closing the door and then standing on the other side. My wife was crying, I wasn’t sure whether going back in would make things worse or better. So I stood there for a couple of minutes. Hopeless, useless and impotent in my inability to do anything to help either my wife or our baby.

After 3 months I was at breaking point. I was suffering with bad anxiety, depression and was having panic attacks. My feelings had started to infiltrate my work too. I’d never had imposter syndrome before then, but all of a sudden it came on. My people management had always been my biggest strength. But now how could I empower and motivate grown adults when I couldn’t even stop my own baby from crying. I was completely lost.

Sounds pretty rough, doesn’t it? So what can you do about it?

I was still too new to parenthood to appreciate how quickly stages/phases change. I didn't know that something that seems like a real challenge right now, will probably not even be an issue in a month. As a new parent it’s easy to get caught in the moment and lose perspective. You don't know that your child is going to change very often. Try not to get too hung up on every single thing that happens. The chances are it won’t last long. Spending time thinking about it tends to push the great experiences out of your mind.

Perspective is key. I focussed on the 20 minutes a day I was struggling to be the best Dad. I was losing sight of all the other times where I was going well. Allow yourself to celebrate the wins, even if that means your baby is sleeping on you. You feel like you’re doing nothing, but you’re giving your partner a break while building a bond with your child. That’s essentially what the early days of parenthood are all about!

Here’s an exercise to try if you find yourself feeling a bit lost…

Grab a piece of paper, or a whiteboard or the notes app on your phone. And write down five things you did well today as a parent. I like to number them....

1. I sat with the baby on the couch for an hour while my partner napped

2. I made dinner for my partner with leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Etc. etc.

*Pro tip - if you’re struggling to come up with five things you’re being too harsh on yourself! They don’t have to be monumental, little things add up.

You don’t have to do this all the time. But it’s a great way to remind yourself that even though some parts are hard and you feel lost. You’re doing the best you can and it’s not all bad.