My Work Stress
The last few weeks at work have been a bit stressful. In the grand scheme of work and life stress that I’ve experienced it’s pretty minor, but it got me thinking about how it can permeate from our work life into our personal life. Especially these days, given that there is no physical separation of work and home for many of us. So this is a reflection on how work stress has impacted the rest of my life previously, and what I’ve learnt about myself that helps me to deal with it now.
I won’t go into any specifics as I know there are a number of people I have worked with (or still do work with) who read this. I’m just going to talk about general periods of stress and how they have impacted my life outside of work. As you will see, I’ve learnt that most of this stress is of my own making and in a lot of circumstances, the case of a loss of perspective on my part.
Anyway, here we go. I got my first job managing people and was loving it. I was a natural at the softer side of management, the more informal side of things. I was using all of the great skills I had developed coaching. I felt like I was creating an environment in the team that was supportive, safe and fun. It was all going well until I needed to do more of the formal things required of a manager. I had thought I was ready, but a combination of my anxiety and my need to be liked by people made it a real struggle for me to be the ‘manager’. I felt like I was out of my depth and that everyone could tell I was crap at the job. These days you’d call it ‘imposter syndrome’, but back then I just felt like a fraud.
That was happening at work, then when I’d go home I’d be fried from trying to simultaneously be liked by everyone and manage people. I had a short fuse, I’d be quick to anger about minor inconveniences and would always feel like I had a tight chest, or that one was coming. It made me not ‘present’ outside of work. I was worried about getting found out so much that I spent all my time wracking my brain for how I could fix or get out of the situation. So much so, that I would not listen in conversations with my wife or when I was socialising. It wasn’t a good way to be.
As I’ve been writing these down, they have all followed a pretty similar trajectory. It’s actually been quite interesting for me to look at. I have three cases in my life where I felt like work stress has gotten the better of me. Writing them down here has actually helped me to realise that they all follow a pretty familiar pattern. So I’ll save you the stories and jump straight to what I’ve learnt. Some things I’ve discovered about me from doing this exercise, and if you’re like me, this might ring true for you too.
All of my work stresses ultimately boil down to me worrying about letting someone else down, or someone thinking less of me. That’s it. I don’t actually stress about the work itself. It’s about the way I am perceived by the people involved that has driven me to significant stress. I think it’s why I’ve been able to catch myself lately when I feel the beginnings of getting stressed at work.
A great deal of this has come about through the realisations I’ve had about myself in therapy. My way of dealing with ‘real’ conversations was to deflect them. It frustrated my wife, the way I’d deflect important conversations, until I learned how to speak about my feelings with her. But at work, I would either put them aside, then build up resentment and frustration at someone who didn’t even know I was frustrated. Or, I would side-step a tough conversation, so that person would still like me. Then spend the following weeks or months knowing that inevitably that would come back to haunt me. In the almost 20 years since I finished high school and started working, that is essentially the sum of the problems I’ve had. It’s bizarre to think about it like that, it’s so simple.
Obviously, at the time it’s not. I lost perspective on the occasions where the stress got to me. I thought everything was a huge deal. I got sucked into that ‘imposter’ mindset and it gnawed away at me until I was a big ball of stress.
So, what have I learnt?
Some of the things I’ve been working on from a personal perspective, have been really beneficial in my professional life too. Taking a pause and re-routing that ‘imposter’ and panic response has been very important. I actually think working from home in the ‘post-Covid world’ has helped with that too. It’s easy to feel put on the spot in person. But meetings are well scheduled, so you know how your day is planned and you can mentally prepare a bit better, I think anyway.
But here are some of the main changes I’ve made that I think are helping me a lot
I’ve realised that other people's stress and how they deal with situations are outside of my control. I can be supportive, but I can’t carry any sense of responsibility for them. We all have to process things from our own perspective, our own way.
I can only control the things within my sphere of influence. There are many elements outside of my control (especially in a large organisation) that I can’t carry stress or guilt about as there is nothing I can do about them.
I own my mistakes as soon as I realise I’ve made them. Just as I’ve learnt to forgive myself for not being a perfect person, I’ve also done the same for my job. I’m always learning and don’t have all the answers. I used to keep those things secret and never acknowledge them to anyone else. I’m far more comfortable with people not thinking I know everything now. In fact, it’s a relief!
No one else thinks about your work performance (or yourself) as much as you do. This is the most important one, I think. Releasing my ego and recognising that everyone has their own perspective and deals with the same things I do. They aren’t thinking about what ‘I’ should be doing better, most likely they are like the old me and thinking it about themselves and what they should be doing better.
With those four pieces of perspective, I’ve found it easier to be a more supportive colleague when deadlines are tight. I don’t see myself as the ‘main character’ anymore. I’m part of a larger ecosystem, one which I try to fill with positivity and support. I control the elements I can and forgive myself and others when mistakes are made. I think it makes me better at work, and it allows me to be me and present with the people I love when I’m not.