My Real Talk

I touched on some of these thoughts previously in other stories, but I’ve been thinking more deeply about it since then. I’ve been having real conversations with people this year. It started before I went live with the site. I think it’s all part of the confidence I needed to share in any way, shape or form. Up until then, I’d made some real strides therapy wise, especially about my internal conversations. But only in the last 4-5 months or so have I translated that to my conversations with other people. I’m more confident in who I am, less ashamed of my feelings and aware that I’m not alone.

So, like I said, I started having real conversations with people. I had gone 37 years answering the question “How are you going/doing?” with a standard response of “Good”, or “Well, thanks, and you?”. It fell out of my mouth without even consciously thinking what I was saying. Even with people I should have felt comfortable telling I wasn’t fine, or good, or well. For so long I had kept so much of myself, to myself. It was really hard to undo that part of my psyche.

But now I have started it’s amazing the number of people I’ve had real, genuine connections and conversations with. People who had no idea that I was having these experiences, and were going through something similar. As well as people who suspected I was, but didn’t know how to start a conversation about it. Both of these circumstances have led to me understanding and connecting with people on a far deeper level than I have before.

It’s funny, the thing I was scared about putting the site live was that people would get in touch and ask me to be their therapist. It’s why I try to stress the need to talk to a professional so much in my stories. But that hasn’t happened at all. Mainly, it’s people who want to share their experiences, check in on how I’m doing, or even ask about ways they might be able to help with Dadpression. It’s amazing what sharing and being genuine with others can bring to you. People have been telling me I’ve done something great by sharing this stuff. But to be honest, I feel like I might be getting just as much out of it as well. I’ve gotten to know the people in my life a whole lot better and I’ve loved every conversation I’ve had.

When I said I’ve been thinking about it more, it’s mostly been about how everybody genuinely wants to know “how you’re going?” when they ask that question. It’s just that in most cases, we’ve all become so programmed to replying with a platitude that we never really find out. We want to keep things at small talk, sometimes for fear of catching the other person off guard. But mostly because somewhere in ourselves we’re saying that the other person doesn’t really want to hear how you actually are. What I’ve been thinking about, is how wrong that is.

If you’re friends or even acquaintances with someone, most of us actually care. We’d want to know if you weren’t doing well. It doesn’t take anything from me to know that you’re a bit stressed with work, or kids, or whatever. What it really does, is start a real conversation. Not about the weather, or a sports result. But about your real life, the one that I actually care about.

I know I have caught a few people off guard with my responses this year. I stopped defaulting to ‘good’, unless I actually was feeling good. It sometimes takes people a second to realise that the conversation isn’t going in the traditionally accepted direction. But none of those people I’ve caught off guard have stopped talking to me. If I was tired, or stressed, or low, they asked what’s going on, or why that was. We talked about things that were happening in our lives.

When I'm depressed I get very good at pretending. Those standard answers are the shield I keep between myself and the world. They keep the conversation light and moving on, ideally with the attention not on me, or my feelings. It’s really hard to confront, but ducking my problems only gives momentary relief. I don’t have to talk about it at that moment, but I know I eventually will. My challenge to you if you’re feeling like that, is to answer some questions honestly. See where it might take you.

For those of us who are feeling in a better head space, I also have a challenge for you. If you genuinely think someone is feeling low, or anxious try to ask some better questions. “How’re you doing?” is easy to dodge. It’s a gimme really. So try a different approach. “I’ve noticed you’re a bit quiet (or low), what’s up?” Something that acknowledges that something might not be right can give the other person permission to discuss what they might be too shy or scared to do otherwise.

It’s not always time for a deep and meaningful conversation. I’m not suggesting we all spend all day diving into our emotions at every juncture. But we can do better than the status quo. Give it a go, ask and answer some questions truthfully. Especially with people who care about you. If you feel like I’m that kind of person for you, I’m here for a real talk too.